antimartha.com
stupid things i do
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i am not a blonde | ||||
yet i continually do things that cause people to ask me if i dye my hair. i do not think all blondes are stupid, only me. this is a list of the stupid things i do or have done. please, have mercy. *walk into closed doors *walk into doorjambs *walk into ceilings (it's possible, don't ask me how) *eaten beets thinking it was canned cranberry sauce *ran a stop sign (who knew that those big red signs meant stop? they should write the word "STOP" on them in big white letters or something) *dial a phone number, then forget who i am calling after the second ring *called my boyfriend's brother sexy (thinking it was my boyfriend) *called out the wrong answer REALLY REALLY loud in class. *called people by the wrong gender *pressed the accelerator instead of the gas and backed into my garage *tried to buy a Zima thinking it was bottled water *went over a speed bump at 35 mph *spilled mop water all of the floor of my old job *failed to check if the toilet seat was down *washed my hair with listerine *changed a lightbulb while it was still hot and burned myself *asked for a Big Mac at Burger King *continually forget the right words for things, so that a simple word such as "Velcro" gets transformed into, "the stickumthingamajiggy...with the things! you know, it's sticky! the stickumthingamajigger with the thingies that stick.. you know! the... the... Velcro! that's it!" *put clothes on backwards *put salt in sweet tea instead of sugar, then not noticed until i downed a big gulp *forget to grease the pan when cooking *put marshmallows in the microwave *wear a new item of clothing, then forget to take off the tags *start a statement in front of a large group of people, then forget my point and have to quit halfway through *painted kitty whiskers on all of my friends with liquid eyeliner *put stickers all over my face and body, then forget to take them off when i go out in public *call people by the wrong name, like my mom *forget my own name (i have actually done this) *set my trashcan on fire *bit myself without realizing it and been mad because it hurt *tried to kneeboard *ate at the waffle house *yesterday, i was in my room and bored, so i decided to put on a puppet show with my feet. one was a monster, and it attacked my head. well, i guess i got carried away, because i was screaming, "ahh, it's attacking my HEAD!", and my mom rushed in, thinking i was being attacked, and i had to explain the whole thing to her, and it was really emabarassing *chased people around with tampons *stuck tampons up people's noses and in people's ears *poked people with tampons *regularly bite people, even total strangers *ran into salespeople at the toy store with display scooters *ran into displays at the toy store with display scooters *said a "jay and silent bob word" in front of an adult and then my claim to fame: *my family and my best friend were on vacation in panama city, florida. my brother, my best friend, and i were out on the balcony looking at a crab. my mum asks us if we want to go swimming. i am so excited by the prospect of taking a swim that i jump up, face the open door, and... run full speed into it. turns out it was a sliding glass door. i must have been going about 30 mph when i hit that thing. there was blood everywhere, and i chipped a big part of my front tooth off. that was in 1997, and i have not lived that down to this day. now, whenever i go anywhere, my best friends always cheerfully calls after me, "don't run into any doors, now, nat!" thanks. i won't. | ||||