stupid things i do


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i am not a blonde

yet i continually do things that cause people to ask me if i dye my hair. i do not think all blondes are stupid, only me. this is a list of the stupid things i do or have done. please, have mercy.

*walk into closed doors
*walk into doorjambs
*walk into ceilings (it's possible, don't ask me how)
*eaten beets thinking it was canned cranberry sauce
*ran a stop sign (who knew that those big red signs meant stop? they should write the word "STOP" on them in big white letters or something)
*dial a phone number, then forget who i am calling after the second ring
*called my boyfriend's brother sexy (thinking it was my boyfriend)
*called out the wrong answer REALLY REALLY loud in class.
*called people by the wrong gender
*pressed the accelerator instead of the gas and backed into my garage
*tried to buy a Zima thinking it was bottled water
*went over a speed bump at 35 mph
*spilled mop water all of the floor of my old job
*failed to check if the toilet seat was down
*washed my hair with listerine
*changed a lightbulb while it was still hot and burned myself
*asked for a Big Mac at Burger King
*continually forget the right words for things, so that a simple word such as "Velcro" gets transformed into, "the stickumthingamajiggy...with the things! you know, it's sticky! the stickumthingamajigger with the thingies that stick.. you know! the... the... Velcro! that's it!"
*put clothes on backwards
*put salt in sweet tea instead of sugar, then not noticed until i downed a big gulp
*forget to grease the pan when cooking
*put marshmallows in the microwave
*wear a new item of clothing, then forget to take off the tags
*start a statement in front of a large group of people, then forget my point and have to quit halfway through
*painted kitty whiskers on all of my friends with liquid eyeliner
*put stickers all over my face and body, then forget to take them off when i go out in public
*call people by the wrong name, like my mom
*forget my own name (i have actually done this)
*set my trashcan on fire
*bit myself without realizing it and been mad because it hurt
*tried to kneeboard
*ate at the waffle house
*yesterday, i was in my room and bored, so i decided to put on a puppet show with my feet. one was a monster, and it attacked my head. well, i guess i got carried away, because i was screaming, "ahh, it's attacking my HEAD!", and my mom rushed in, thinking i was being attacked, and i had to explain the whole thing to her, and it was really emabarassing
*chased people around with tampons
*stuck tampons up people's noses and in people's ears
*poked people with tampons
*regularly bite people, even total strangers
*ran into salespeople at the toy store with display scooters
*ran into displays at the toy store with display scooters
*said a "jay and silent bob word" in front of an adult

and then my claim to fame:
*my family and my best friend were on vacation in panama city, florida. my brother, my best friend, and i were out on the balcony looking at a crab. my mum asks us if we want to go swimming. i am so excited by the prospect of taking a swim that i jump up, face the open door, and... run full speed into it. turns out it was a sliding glass door. i must have been going about 30 mph when i hit that thing. there was blood everywhere, and i chipped a big part of my front tooth off. that was in 1997, and i have not lived that down to this day. now, whenever i go anywhere, my best friends always cheerfully calls after me, "don't run into any doors, now, nat!" thanks. i won't.